What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 04:10
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But it wasn’t much.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Put me off passion for life!!
Who then, do I blame.?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Would this be the day?
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Comes on , in middle age.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was very sick at this time too.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Was to survive, this bastard.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But, we were locked up after school.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Ive learnt so much.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I will be 64.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I write beautiful poetry .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why did i forgive my father ?
(And it was in our own minds.)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
When she asked me how she looked .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I think the readers, may guess!
I waited trembling.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So, i spoilt her more .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She wouldn,t have been !
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was seconnd youngest,
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My life is so biszare .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
This is soul school!.
My family never makes their pension either.
She was in good health!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
What did i know ?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She loved him until the end.
I said to her
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She found it foreign!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was scared of men, in general
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was 9 years of age.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One cannot live in the past .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We were not on the streets..
We all went to grammer schools
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So whats the point in blame.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I couldn’t, believe it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im still living with it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I don,t even have a pension.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But ive been too sick for many years..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I have no regrets .
It was going to be , some day.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She married twice! .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And i lived it daily.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I never cut or harmed myself..
All the time i was locked up.
He knew the spot.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!